Conflict rarely looks like conflict
It always amazes me how coincidences turn up in life.
You think about buying a red Mini and from one day to the next they’re parked on every street corner.
Well, that’s been the case with me and conflict this month.
I’ve spotted myself avoiding it, knee deep in it and trying to repair it after handling it badly.
And it's not just me. My clients have been at it too.
In the past few weeks, my mentoring and coaching conversations have included:
Someone avoiding feedback because of the possible consequences.
Someone knee deep in refereeing existing conflict between team members and weighing up various options to close it down.
Someone reflecting on issues they have created in the past and wondering how to repair the damage and do better next time.
It's inner conflict and outer conflict.
Before, during and after.
And the interesting thing I spotted was that we don't always recognise conflict when we're in it.
We tend to think of conflict as an argument or people openly taking a stand or a side.
But most conflict doesn't even look like conflict.
It comes dressed up as keeping your head down, and pretending it's between other people.
Or convincing yourself it's long gone... whilst carrying the mental load anyway.🙄
TRY THIS.
Think about a recent conflict situation. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just whatever pops up first.
Now ask yourself:
Was I avoiding it? taking a side? knee deep? clearing up the mess?
And what is actually needed now?
🔴 Focus and directness?
🟢 Understanding and reconnection?
🟡 Honest conversation and flexibility?
🔵 Clarity and boundaries?
This is useful reflection for anyone carrying a conflict that doesn't look like conflict, so feel free to pass this on.
It’ll be particularly useful for people who say things like:
I’m sure it’ll sort itself out
Why do I always get stuck in the middle of other people's arguements?
It just keeps going around in my head
💡 Bonus: One thing I've noticed over the years is that conflict and care often travel together.
We rarely get frustrated about things we don't care about.
Worth pondering.