The stories in your silences
I’m constantly in conversation, even when I’m alone.
Conversations I’ve just had, conversations I might have, and conversations I’ll probably never have.
My brain has the ability to create entire interactions based on nobody saying anything at all.
I wonder how many internal 'chats’ like that you've had this week?
The ones that took place in your head when:
Someone didn’t reply to your email.
A colleague walked past without saying hello.
Your manager finished the meeting more quickly than usual.
A friend cancelled lunch.
Nothing was said, but in the silence the story began to unfold. Without even realising it, you assigned meaning, intention and judgement.
You might even have mapped out what’s coming next.
The silence was the starting point and then the rest of it unfolded just for you like a private theatre production.
When I was writing People in Their Element, I found myself returning to this idea again and again, wondering how often I’d seen people respond to a story they’d created rather than sitting with the neutral silence and exploring the possibilities it offered.
It’s the idea that my S.A.F.E.R. model grew out of.
Something happens. Something in the event grabs our attention, we give it meaning, we have an emotional experience, and we respond.
And often it happens so quickly that we can’t tell the difference between what actually happened, and the meaning we added afterwards.
The point is, until we explore further, we don’t know. Silence is a mystery, but it’s also full of possibilities and options we haven’t yet considered.
The next time you find yourself filling in the blanks, pause for a moment, and ask yourself:
“What else could this silence mean?”
And allow yourself to consider a few different stories.
I’ll be practising this myself over August. Lots of sitting with silence. Not rushing to fill every space or deciding the next chapter before it arrives.
Just sitting with the possibilities.
Enjoy your summer, and if someone comes to mind while reading this, perhaps share it with them. It might be someone who fears silence, finds themselves assuming the worst, or wonders why people sometimes respond in unexpected ways.
💡 Bonus: The Silence Experiment
For one week, notice the moments where your brain starts filling in the gaps.
…someone who doesn’t reply, a tone changes or a gesture that seems out of character.
Before deciding what it means, ask:
“What other options are there?”
Not because your first interpretation is wrong, but because it’s only one option.